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Communication

 Hey everyone!

I’ve got some really great things to share with you today! In class this week we talked about communication which is something I think we could all use a little help with, haha. It’s crazy to think how many factors can go into us interacting in a way that we misunderstand or are misunderstood. My professor shared a quote with us, (sorry I can’t remember who said it, but I wanted to share it because it really rang true to me) “In marriage and family it’s not enough to communicate clearly enough to be understood. We have to communicate in a way that we cannot be misunderstood.” I feel like it’s very rare to have the type of communication where misunderstanding is not a possibility, but imagine how many hurt feelings and how much heartbreak could be saved from it! Generally the people we seek deep relationships with are good people with good intentions just like us, but we sometimes end up feeling frustrated or sad because of those relationships. Why is that? I think it has a lot to do with the way we communicate. 


We discussed some statistics in class that I found pretty surprising. Turns out, only 14% of our communication is through words, with 35% being our tone and 51% nonverbal communication like facial expressions and body language. It made a lot sense the more I thought about it. If someone comes up to me and says, “Your hair looks great today” in a sarcastic way, I’m going to believe they are being sarcastic because I take more from their tone than the actual words they say. This makes it very difficult to get our point across when we are texting or messaging, because only the 14% word part of our communication is going through. I want to talk today about “The Five Secrets of Communication” model and how it can help us avoid being misunderstood. The first step is the “disarming technique”. When someone says something in an angry or hurtful way, we tend to put up walls or become defensive. With the disarming technique, however, we seek the kernel of truth by trying to see things from their perspective. This changes the whole course of the conversation because you’re no longer trying to attack each other. The second step is to “express empathy”. The expression part is very important here because it won’t really help anything if the other person doesn’t know you understand. The third step is to “inquire” by asking how the other person feels and showing you understand by repeating it back to them. The fourth step is using “I feel statements” to express your emotions (not opinions or criticisms) allowing you to be vulnerable and help the person better understand where you are coming from. The final step is “stroking”, meaning that you state your genuine admiration or love for the other person. This helps you to end the conversation in a way that brings you closer together.


This model is pretty simple and straightforward, but I think it is much easier said than done. It is not easy to find the kernel of truth when we feel upset or have just been insulted. But the effort and self-control this model requires is well worth the effort. It can transform relationships and help those difficult conversations to become some of the times we have felt closest to that person. Another aspect that makes this model difficult to follow is that being vulnerable and sharing our emotions can be super scary sometimes! We want to feel close to a person and for them to feel comfortable enough to open up to us, but often have a hard time doing that ourselves. As we practice being vulnerable even when it’s not easy, it becomes more natural and we are able to build trust with the people we open up to. 

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